On the night you were born

An open letter to my daughter on the eve of her first birthday:

Dear Roslyn,
      Sweet, angel baby Roslyn. My daughter. My heart. My savior. I remember a year ago. I remember sitting on the couch in the living room and balancing sticky Popsicle sticks on my stomach and watching you move them. I remember how painful standing up was and the God-awful brace I wore to support my disproportionate belly when it felt like it was going to rip off of my backbone. But I was your home. You were happy. I kept you safe there. We sang, we laughed, we listened to trap music and Taylor Swift. We cried a lot. I held you before I ever touched you. I made you many promises and vowed that I would never break them. I shared secrets with you and knew that you'd never tell. You felt my excitement, my sorrow, my breathing and knew my dreams. The world was ours.
    You saved me. Your rescued me before you even entered this world. You forced me to eat every day and take care of myself when I wanted to crawl into a dark place and hide forever. You forced me to get out of bed and shower. I can still remember the fragrant oils and thick lotions I put on my growing belly to prevent stretch marks (which I got anyways, and I wear with pride because you gave them to me) every single day. You, my precious gift from Heaven, forced the people I love to look at me in a way other than as the girl who's Dad was dying. You made us all believers. This tiny miracle who was tossing and turning inside of me was the proof that God gives us life and hope when we question why he takes life and hope away.

    I cried today. I cried as I watched you show your personality and allowed me to have a peek into the lady you will be. I cried because I am not ready, like ever. I cried because I thought about the first time  you get angry with me and slam a door in my face and how my heart will break right then and there. I cried because I so desperately hope that I am half the mother you deserve to have. I cried because I remember begging you to be born days after you were supposed to be. I cried because I remember having you. I remember laying in a hospital bed and being told by your Daddy to open my eyes and see. "It's over! She's here! You did so good", your Daddy said. We held you and kissed you and listened to your tiny cry. I cried tonight because I remember that feeling of the moment you were born, and the way you changed me forever. I cried because I want you to be a baby who needs me forever and I cried because I watched you sleeping and wanted to hold you again while you dreamed baby dreams.
   You are so special. The world is your oyster and you are the beautiful and perfect pearl in our world. I will always support you. I will try to be cool but not to be embarrassing. I promise that when that guy who I hated breaks your heart, I will listen. When you need advise, I will give you what I have, but only if you ask. I won't hover. Even though every bone in body wants to touch you, stroke your hair, and kiss your cheek I will stay back. I will watch you grow and I will cheer you on. I might get frustrated, but I need you to be patient with me too. This whole Mom thing came on pretty quickly and I sometimes I feel like I am never going to figure it out. You need me. I need you too. I promise that as long as I live I will give you everything I have, but I need you to give me that too. At the end of the day, it's you and me kid.

     We are a team, you and I. One day, your birthday will become more routine and mine will become more precious. Eventually, you will want to hear my voice and ache to be held by me once again just as I sit here and yearn to hold you. I want you to know how much you have changed my life. You have shown me a fierce protective instinct I never knew I had and spidey-like hearing I never knew existed. Every time you reach for me, my heart feels like it will burst. When I am cooking dinner and I feel your little hands wrap around my legs, I remind myself how precious this time in your life is.  Our love is special because it is ours, little one. I want you to know that I will change every day too, but that is because out love is growing. Soon, you will understand what I mean. But until then, I'm here. Listening to you dreaming and waiting for your first Birthday to begin. When you open your eyes, baby girl, I hope you see this whole crazy world in front of you and still chose to take Mama's hand.

"Heaven blew every trumpet
And sounded every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
night you were born"
-Nancy Tillman